In a general sense, black women has come to dislike or hate the relationships between black men and white women. I must admit, I used to belong to this club of separatists.
I've talked to many men and women on this subject. The common agreement among men is the question, "Why do you care who I date? She's not related to you." The common question from women is, "Why has he abandoned his black race?"
I was among those women who would snarl and spit at a black male and white female couple. It represented to me and many other black women that his dating choice meant that white women were more desirable, attractive, and valuable than with the black woman who looks more like his mother. "Why is he denying his black race?" For me as a teenager, I began to feel ugly because black males would flaunt their white women as treasures with public affection and praise while barely noticing that I and other black girls entered the room. "Gee, why don't my black man desire or brag about me like that?"
I believe the true insult to injury is the overall physical beauty of the white women of choice. It seems to be the most desired white woman is a plain jane. She's usually short, fat, has unkempt long hair, no makeup, hasn't any intellectual comments to add to the conversation, is socially inept, has a minimum wage job (if one at all), and no financial assets. But, black men seem to drool over these women. Black women ask, "Why?" "She has nothing. I have more to add to a relationship than she does and you want her instead? I wouldn't be mad if she was pretty and sound as if she had a bit of intelligence."
The black men that I've talked to have admitted to having the white woman sexual fantasy since childhood. Many black men say they can't help who they fall in love with. "Why should I limit my love life to one kind of woman?" Black men have told me that they preferred a submissive and compliant white woman to an aggressive and controlling black woman. Some black men have told me that only white women would date them because black women have too long of a laundry list of requirements for him to follow. "Black women want status, position, power, and bling. I can't afford that. The white women only want affection. White women don't put me to the marriage test when I walk up to her to say Hi." I was told by an older black woman, that the problem with young black women is that they are too brand loyal and that includes the men they date. Start dating out side your race or at least outside of your neighborhood, these dating problems would go away.
I'm about to turn 39 years old in a couple weeks and I've happened upon some wisdom. Why do I care about who he's dating?
I now realize this isn't a black and white issue. It's a choice issue. The point is, he didn't choose me. I can't make him want me nor would I want to convince him to want me. I don't want a man in my life that I had to convince to be my mate. Later on, he'll resent it and so will I. I want a man who wants me for me and what I can bring to a long successful relationship. I don't want to be someone's last choice because all the other women turned him down and he was very desperate. I don't want a man who is willing to "put up with me." I want a man who saw me and became infatuated. His interest in me drove him to pursue me and his desire for me grew asour relationship grew. I want a man who doesn't settle in his relationship. His self esteem is so high that the pain of rejection would last only minutes and not fold its self into an old duffel bag on his back wearing him down.
Somewhere in this world, there is a man who would choose me. I figure I'm waiting for him to come to this country, come out of his house, come out of jail, come out of his current relationship, or come to his senses. Over my dating career, I can say black men have chosen me. I'm still waiting for that guy who will choose me for life instead of choosing me for right now.
It is too stressful to worry about who everyone is dating and marrying. I now only stress over my own dating life. I've heard many complaints from the black community about the black man and white woman relationship. "But if black men and white women continue to have babies, the black race will be wiped out. Our black ancestry will be gone." If this is such a concern, you need to pick up the pace and have more black babies. "I can't repopulate the black community by myself", some would say. I have come to wonder, How many black families truly keep the black history alive in their own family tree? How many generations have you orally taught your children about? Do your kids know about grandma and granddad's parents? Do you? Is black history only talked about in your house every February?
Don't worry about what he might be doing with her. Concentrate on your own household. His choice in her doesn't reflect upon you at all. IF HE'S NOT LIMITING HIMSELF, WHY ARE YOU?
LESSONS LEARNED:
- Beauty isn't only shown in his eyes. Look in the mirror. You'll see it too.
- Don't pass judgment, pass wisdom.
- I don't need your permission to be pretty
- Who he dates isn't tied to my happiness and life fulfillment
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