I've been around many kids for many years. I've heard it said many times before, this kid is a bad kid. I've been around many of these kids whether I myself was a teenager or an adult. I always wondered what makes a bad kid.
When I was in elementary school, I had a classmate that was a terror. He yelled, screamed and demanded everyone's full attention. He would throw things and being escorted to the principal's office became a weekly event. When I was in High School, I would meet the same type of kid in female form. When I worked briefly at the Boys and Girls club as a teenager, I'd run into many of the same type of kid in all sizes and ages. I would meet the same bad kid when I was a young adult and everyday after that whenever I left the comfort of my own house. I discovered I had the same bad kids as family members. I picked up little clues over the years about why these kids are bad. I did that by finding out some background history on each child.
Once, I babysat a 6 year old girl for a few hours while her mother went out that night to a party. This kid figuratively put on her monster mask and became a horror to be with. After chasing her, screaming at her, threatening her and punishing her for two hours, I realized that wasn't working. I felt exhausted and gave up. I thought I'd continue to let her run around until she wore herself out or until her mother came home. I tried to ignore her by watching television. That worked for ten minutes. I then asked her, "What are you doing?" She couldn't clearly hear what I said through her own screaming and running around the dining room table. I didn't yell. I said again in a low monotone voice, "What are you doing?" She stopped running but she giggled as her chest heaved very hard from being out of breath. Her head nodded in a gesture as to ask me what was my question to her. I didn't say anything, I sat there and looked at her. She giggled harder then threw herself on the floor and began to roll around. I said nothing while I watched her bump into furniture from rolling into it with her body. It took about 15 minutes before she completely stopped and requested my attention. She demanded that I repeat myself and I told her no. I told her that I won't talk to her because she's not behaving like a person who wants to talk. She stomped her feet for a few minutes more before settling down.
When she settled down, I began to ask her questions about herself. "Why are you yelling and screaming?, do you have friends?, do you like sports?, what do you like to eat?, do you like animals?" I asked her questions for an hour and she answered them. She answered me with such enthusiasm, you'd think she had years of conversation bottled up waiting to burst out. I saw her eyes light up when I gave her what i think was her first compliment. I told her she had the prettiest ponytails. It was the first time I've seen this kid become shy and co operative.
I took that little moment with me as a life lesson.
How many adults or even young adults conversed with children?
I lived with my brother and his family briefly during a transition I was having and became the live in babysitter. My niece was 5 while my nephew was 6. In the beginning, these 2 kids wore their monster masks on a daily basis. They were punished with a smack on the butt. I preferred to hit the back of their hand because it seemed more of a punishment. After months of threatening to smack their hands really hard and actually giving them a few swats, they were still acting like bad kids. Their parents said one day that they were tired of having to punish them everyday. My young nephew then said he was tired of getting punished. My brother asked his son, then what do you suggest that we do? My nephew shrugged his shoulders because he didn't have an answer. I then thought about when was the last time anybody gave them a kind word?
The next day, I had a new attitude. I swore off hitting my niece and nephew or any kid I babysat. I created a star system for my niece and nephew. I told them that whenever they did something good, they would get a gold star. Whenever they got a total of 20 stars, they'd get a gift. The best part of it was that they could name the gift. They could get anything they wanted. Of course this was now a new incentive to be good. My brother said that wouldn't work. "What if he asks for a car?" I then had to use a little logic with my brother. "Why would he ask for a car? He can't drive. If he asks for a car it would be a toy car because that's where his 6 year old brain is." My sister in law then asked, "How will you know when they are being good. I simply answered, You catch them doing it.
So I talked to my niece and nephew about the prizes they could ask for. I got a piece of paper to write down everything they had intended to win as a prize. All they could think of were toys they saw from commercials. I expanded the list to day trips. How about going to the zoo? The kids OOOOHHH and AAAHHHH'ed at the idea. What about going to visit a relative and playing with them after school? More oooohhh and aaaaahhhhhh's. What about going to the park? More glee and happiness came from the kids. We made a list of goals and hung the list over the blank board.
I made it a point to explain to the kids what a good act was and what things are good things to do. After a day, the kids would come back home with what good things they did for the day at school. I'd question them on it and explain what actions they should have or should not have done in the given situation. Sometimes I'd give them a gold star. I didn't give it because I always believe they did the good deed but I liked their good answers to my questions. They seemed to comprehend better ways of conducting themselves in any given situation.
One day after school, the kids wanted to make themselves PB and J sandwiches and went in the kitchen to wash their hands. My nephew dried his hands and began to put spread on his bread. My niece wanted her bread toasted first. I left the kitchen to turn on the cartoons on the living room television and I heard my nephew scream, "No don't do that!" I ran back into the kitchen to find out what happened. "WHAT HAPPENED?!"
Nephew: She has wet hands! And she still has the butter knife in her hand! She's trying to plug in the toaster with wet hands. Don't you know she can get electrocuted?!We both looked at my niece with water dripping from her hands and the butter knife as she holds the plug to the toaster in the other hand. She looked down at her hands and shyly asked, "I can?" She dropped them both and dried her hands on her pants leg.
I grabbed my nephew by the shoulders and screamed, "Do you know what you just did? You just saved your sister's life!" I had tears welling up in my eyes as a proud parent would be of their magnificent child at the same time hating myself for leaving their presence long enough for it to happen.
I told my nephew he was the best big brother EVER!
The funny thing that happened for the next 7 days was that the kids would come home with new stories of how they saved the others life.
Nephew: Hey Aunt! I saved her life today at school
Me: You did?
Niece: Oh No! I saved his life today!
Me: You did? How did that happen?
Nephew: (interrupting to speak first) No, I saved her life because I told her not to walk in the street when cars are coming! Didn't I tell you that? Didn't I?
Niece: (angrily) No! I told you don't go swimming when you just ate food! Didn't I? Didn't I?!
Nephew: No, I told you not to get in a strangers car!
Niece: I told you stay away from snakes because they have poison!
Nephew: I told you don't go near dogs because they bite!
Niece: I told you don't wear your roller skates near steps!
This went on everyday at snack time. I loved it because they were learning.
I eventually moved out into an apartment with dad. The most stars collected by my nephew were 15 and my niece had 9. Weeks after I moved out, their parents started removing stars from the board for bad behavior. They never reached their goal. I took a bunch of kids including other nieces and nephews and kids from the neighborhood to the zoo anyway.
LESSONS LEARNED:
- Kids want to be heard just as adults do
- Kids need to hear statements other than, Don't Do That!
- You can't do good things if its not explained to you, what good is
- Bad kids are misunderstood kids
Your insights on the kids are spot on! How many of our kids never receive a kind word?
I see (from a previous post) that you let kids know when they're getting out of control, however; maybe that scuffle at Gallery Place/L'Enfant Plaza stations wouldn't have happened if more adults [esp. the men] spoke up.
It was nice to meet you at the meetup--hope to see you again! Keep up the good work.
AG
Posted by: Coming and Going | September 10, 2010 at 05:11 PM