My life lessons learned

The instruction book on life

     "Too bad the baby wasn't born with an instructional book when he was born", has always been the common saying.  Why don't we make an instructional book about life for the next generation?  

    We, for generations, have relied on verbal history from our elders.  Being used to hearing the results of history from our elders, we rarely ask how to avoid disaster or how to improve our own future.  

    We create photo albums of babies, graduations and weddings.  How many parents have created a "how to" book to their teen-aged kids on how to begin their adult-hoods?  We don't learn about credit scores, how to run a household, or what to expect when you're expecting in school.  We hope to learn this at home.  How many people wish they had from their parents (or from any adult) a written detailed summary of life stages?  How many times have you said to yourself, "I wish someone had told me this before I went through it?"

    Consider the idea of writing down the information you have learned through your life from the greatest experiences to the the worst.  Then, have the intent of passing on these journals to the next generation.  How prepared would your kids be with this instruction book under their arm? 

The "to do" list for life

   Many people live such busy lives, that the creation of a "to do" list has become a part of american life.  This list of reminders contains items, events and activities to include among our daily routines.

    Instead of including grocery items and lunch dates on your list, why not include items on your list that will improve your overall life?  Many optimistic people would tell you include on your list a daily affirmation.  Over the years of watching a lot of TV and many talk shows, I've heard it said by many counselors that you should do positive things to improve your self esteem and dignity.     

• Smile at people as you walk by them (It doesn't matter if they smile back)
• Accept the things about you because it's not anyone else's job to do so
• Give to charity in some form (it doesn't have to involve money, it could be your time, energy, or effort)
• Give a kind word to someone at least once a day
• Make learning from your mistakes an activity, not a theory

There are many things that can go on an "improve your life" list.  Sit down and figure out what things in your life that you want to change and then make a list of items to do that start the baby steps to improvement.  What if you always wanted to read a certain book but didn't do it because it would take you too much time to read it and your time was limited?  You could put on your to do list to read at least one paragraph a night before bed.  Yes, that would take forever and you might possibly might lose interest. But a year later, you have 2 possible outcomes.  You've read none of it or you read half the book.  The feeling of accomplishment makes us want to achieve more.

What would you put on your to do list?

T.I.P.S.

TO INSURE PROPER SERVICE          

    Tips have gotten out of hand.  Those who work in the service industry are now demanding more and larger tips.  Tips are not requirements.  They are courtesy gestures.  The argument that I've heard most was, "I need that money to make ends meet because my paycheck is so small."  

   My question is, "Why do you give your valuable talents away for so cheap?"  I've heard that a waitress can earn as little as $3 an hour.  That's crazy isn't it?  Minimum wage is over $6.  A wait person has more requirements to their job than just bringing  food out on a tray.  Isn't that right?  A large portion of the job is customer service and memory, not to mention the physical aspect also.  I've never been a waitress nor would I ever want to be one.  I'm not built for it.  I've never paid a tip nor will I ever want to.  I don't believe in paying the waitperson's salary personally.  That's what the owner does.  I'm not the boss, just a customer.   I paid a fee for the food and the price should reflect the added service.  I don't believe in paying a separate bill for the wait person. 

   You can say I'm in customer service too.  I currently work in a pharmacy.  When I prepare someone's medication I don't look for handouts from the patients.  When I go out of my way to guarantee the proper medication in the proper amount of time to the proper person, I don't leave my hand hanging out open wide for someone to fill it because I've extended myself.  I look for thank you and I gladly say you're welcome. 

    My job pays me $19 an hour because I deserve it because of my expertise.  I didn't go to college for pharmacy and I don't have a degree.  I gained 'on the job training'.  I studied, took a test and became certified for pharmacy.  Why are wait people accepting such low paying jobs?  I've been told, "Well, that's what they pay."   I disagree.  That's what they pay you.  I've worked in low paying jobs as a teenager.   I know what a $233 paycheck every two weeks looks like.  I got tired of it and decided to move on.  I realized my way of life, lifestyle, self worth, and bank account will not be limited by my small paycheck.  I'm taking my value somewhere else.  

   I never gave a monetary tip to anyone.   I don't pay salaries to anyone that I don't directly employ.  "But the government takes out so much for taxes from my check.  I need those tips just to break even."   As we now know, the government heavily tax people who can't afford to be heavily taxed.  The government helps the rich stay rich and keep the poor stressed, burdened, hungry and disadvantaged. 

    Since the very wealthy in this country have a strong voice, political and economical power, more money is pulled from the poor.  The government discovered that service people were receiving unclaimed money called tips.  So the government decided to tap that resource.  If you make $20,000 from your employer, the government will assume you make an additional $12,000 in tips.  So you are taxed on actual and assumed money.  The government has gotten away with robbery.  Why?  Because you let them.  When income taxes were created in this country in the 1940's, the millionaires were to be the most heavily taxed because they accumulated the most income.  But the millionaires made an uproar.  The millionaires refused to give up so much of their fortunes to their country.  So the government had to find another resource.   Don't whine and complain, make an uproar.

LESSONS LEARNED:

  *Don't judge me, debate me. 

  *Don't dislike like me for what I say, educate me by what you say. 

  *You are only as weak and invaluable as you think you are.

Black men and White women

  In a general sense, black women has come to dislike or hate the relationships between black men and white women.  I must admit, I used to belong to this club of separatists.    

     I've talked to many men and women  on this subject.  The common agreement among men is the question, "Why do you care who I date?  She's not related to you."   The common question from women is, "Why has he abandoned his black race?"

      I was among those women who would snarl and spit at a black male and white female couple.  It represented to me and many other black women that his dating choice meant that white women were more desirable, attractive, and valuable  than with the black woman who looks more like his mother.   "Why is he denying his black race?"   For me as a teenager, I began to feel ugly because black males would flaunt their white women as treasures with public affection and praise while barely noticing that I and other black girls entered the room.  "Gee, why don't my black man desire or brag about me like that?"

       I believe the true insult to injury is  the overall physical beauty of the white women of choice.  It seems to be the most desired white woman is a plain jane.  She's usually short, fat, has unkempt long hair, no makeup, hasn't any intellectual comments to add to the conversation, is socially inept, has a minimum wage job (if one at all), and no financial assets.  But, black men seem to drool over these women.  Black women ask, "Why?"  "She has nothing.  I have  more to add to a relationship than she does and you want her instead?  I wouldn't be mad if she was pretty and sound as if she had a bit of intelligence."

       The black men that I've talked to have admitted to having the white woman sexual fantasy since childhood.  Many black men say they can't help who they fall in love with.  "Why should I limit my love life to one kind of woman?"   Black men have told me that they preferred a submissive and compliant white woman to an aggressive and controlling black woman.  Some black men have told me that only white women would date them because black women have too long of a laundry list of requirements for him to follow.  "Black women want status, position, power, and bling.  I can't afford that.  The white women only want affection.  White women don't put me to the marriage test when I walk up to her to say Hi."   I was told by an older black woman, that the problem with young black women is that they are too brand loyal and that includes the men they date.  Start dating out side your race or at least outside of your neighborhood, these dating problems would go away.

      I'm about to turn 39 years old in a couple weeks and I've happened upon some wisdom.  Why do I care about who he's dating?   

      I now realize this isn't a black and white issue.  It's a choice issue.  The point is, he didn't choose me.  I can't make him want me nor would I want to convince him to want me.  I don't want a man in my life that I had to convince to be my mate.  Later on, he'll resent it and so will I.  I want a man who wants me for me and what I can bring to a long successful relationship.   I don't want to be someone's last choice because all the other women turned him down and he was very desperate.  I don't want a man who is willing to "put up with me."  I want a man who saw me and became infatuated.  His interest in me drove him to pursue me and his desire for me grew asour relationship grew.   I want a man who doesn't settle in his relationship.  His self esteem is so high that the pain of rejection would last only minutes and not fold its self into an old duffel bag on his back wearing him down.

      Somewhere in this world, there is a man who would choose me.  I figure I'm waiting for him to come to this country, come out of his house, come out of jail, come out of his current relationship, or come to his senses.  Over my dating career, I can say black men have chosen me.  I'm still waiting for that guy who will choose me for life instead of choosing me for right now.

      It is too stressful to worry about who everyone is dating and marrying.  I now only stress over my own dating life.  I've heard many complaints from the black community about the black man and white woman relationship.         "But if black men and white women continue to have babies, the black race  will be wiped out. Our black ancestry will be gone."                                       If this is such a concern, you need to pick up the pace and have more black babies.  "I can't repopulate the black community by myself", some would say.  I have come to wonder, How many black families truly keep the black history alive in their own family tree?  How many generations have you orally taught your children about?  Do your kids know about grandma and granddad's parents?  Do you?  Is black history only talked about in your house every  February?

     Don't worry about what he might be doing with her.  Concentrate on your own household.  His choice in her doesn't reflect upon you at all.  IF HE'S NOT LIMITING HIMSELF, WHY ARE YOU?

LESSONS LEARNED:

         

• Beauty isn't only shown in his eyes.  Look in the mirror.  You'll see it too.
• Don't pass judgment, pass wisdom.
• I don't need your permission to be pretty
• Who he dates isn't tied to my happiness and life fulfillment

Who runs the household without me?

   I don't like the impression many people have about men being the only and true head of the household.  Many people live by the rule of man being above woman, women above children, earth on the bottom of us all, and god above us all.  I don't like this pyramid of thought.  This is a very human way of life that I disagree with.  In my opinion, this way of thinking get women raped with regularity, children abused and abandoned, and the planet earth destroyed.  

       "But the bible says that's how it works."  I disagree with this interpretation.  Men are the male head of household and women are the female head of household.  Life for me as a female doesn't fall apart because there's no male head of household in my house.  I go to work, bring home money, food, clothing and provide myself shelter without a man.  Am I less of a person because of it?  Am I to be considered incomplete?  What about single fathers who provide for his family without an adult female in the home?  Is he to be considered incompetent when it comes to cleaning, cooking and caring for his kids?  Are we to pity him?

      Men don't rule over women.  Men are not greater, smarter, or more important than women.  Women are not around to only supplement men.  Men are not around to guide,  control, and protect women.   When men and women come together as a single unit, it is the job of both the male and female to provide, protect, and educate that family unit.  The male took on certain duties of the household that are better suited for him to accomplish the goal of raising his family.  Thus the female has done the same thing.   Many women chose to stay home to cook, clean, and raise the kids without a babysitter.  Many men chose to work outside of the home for long hours to bring home the amount of money that affords the lifestyle of his family unit.  This practice now has become tradition.

      Many people seemed to have forgotten that tradition, just as the Bible was man made.  "No, the bible is the word of God."   The Bible was hand-written by many monks long ago.   It was reported to be written one century after the events occurred through oral history.   Whatever it  is that you believe to be true, realize this: what is  made by man can be changed by man.  Just because we've followed certain traditions over the generations doesn't make it right.  It makes it a habit.

     I believe we as a nation need to reevaluate our traditions.  When it comes to degrading men for appreciating cooking and cleaning, ridiculing a woman for being single with no kids and two jobs, and threatening gay  couples raising children next door to you, our centuries old traditions need an overhaul.  

    I admit that I don't follow many of the old traditions,  but I'd like to start new ones.   When I get married, I'd love for my new husband to take on my last name as his own.    I will take care of and  provide all financial stability for my household.   The best part of all, my man will do all the cooking.