My life lessons learned

The instruction book on life

     "Too bad the baby wasn't born with an instructional book when he was born", has always been the common saying.  Why don't we make an instructional book about life for the next generation?  

    We, for generations, have relied on verbal history from our elders.  Being use to hearing the results of history from our elders, we rarely ask how to avoid disaster or how to improve our own future.  

    We create photo albums of babies, graduations and weddings.  How many parents have created a "how to" book for  their teen-aged kids on how to begin their adult-hoods?  We don't learn about credit scores, how to run a household, or what to expect when you're expecting a baby while attending  an American school.  We hope to learn this at home.  How many people wish they had from their parents (or from any adult) a written detailed summary of life stages?  How many times have you said to yourself, "I wish someone had told me this before I went through it?"

    Consider the idea of writing down the information you have learned through your life from the greatest experiences to the the worst.  Then, have the intent of passing on these journals to the next generation.  How prepared would your kids be with this instruction book under their arm? 

The "to do" list for life

   Many people live such busy lives, that the creation of a "to do" list has become a part of American life.  This list of reminders contains items, events and activities to include among our daily routines.

    Instead of including grocery items and lunch dates on your list, why not include items on your list that will improve your overall life?  Many optimistic people would tell you include on your list a daily affirmation.  Over the years of watching a lot of TV and many talk shows, I've heard it said by many counselors that you should do positive things to improve your self esteem and dignity.     

• Smile at people as you walk by them (It doesn't matter if they smile back)
• Accept the things about you because it's not anyone Else's job to do so
• Give to charity in some form (it doesn't have to involve money, it could be your time, energy, or effort)
• Give a kind word to someone at least once a day
• Make learning from your mistakes an activity, not a theory

There are many things that can go on an "improve your life" list.  Sit down and figure out what things in your life that you want to change and then make a list of items to do that start the baby steps to improvement.  What if you always wanted to read a certain book but didn't do it because it would take you too much time to read it and your time was limited?  You could put on your to do list to read at least one paragraph a night before bed.  Yes, that would take forever and you might possibly might lose interest. But a year later, you have 2 possible outcomes.  You've read none of it or you read half the book.  The feeling of accomplishment makes us want to achieve more.

What would you put on your to do list?

T.I.P.S.

TO INSURE PROPER SERVICE          

    Tips have gotten out of hand.  Those who work in the service industry are now demanding more and larger tips.  Tips are not requirements.  They are courtesy gestures.  The argument that I've heard most was, "I need that money to make ends meet because my paycheck is so small."  

   My question is, "Why do you give your valuable talents away for so cheap?"  I've heard that a waitress can earn as little as $3 an hour.  That's crazy isn't it?  Minimum wage is over $7.  A wait person has more requirements to their job than just bringing  food out on a tray.  Isn't that right?  A large portion of the job is customer service and memory, not to mention the physical aspect also.  I've never been a waitress nor would I ever want to be one.  I'm not built for it.  I've never paid a tip nor will I ever want to.  I don't believe in paying the waitperson's salary personally.  That's what the owner does.  I'm not the boss, just a customer.   I paid a fee for the food and the price should reflect the added service.  I don't believe in paying a separate bill for the wait person. 

   You can say I'm in customer service too.  I currently work in a pharmacy.  When I prepare someone's medication I don't look for handouts from the patients.  When I go out of my way to guarantee the proper medication in the proper amount of time to the proper person, I don't leave my hand hanging out open wide for someone to fill it because I've extended myself.  I look for thank you and I gladly say you're welcome. 

    My job pays me $19 an hour because I deserve it because of my expertise.  I didn't go to college for pharmacy and I don't have a degree.  I gained 'on the job training'.  I studied, took a test and became certified for pharmacy.  Why are wait people accepting such low paying jobs?  I've been told, "Well, that's what they pay."   I disagree.  That's what they pay you.  I've worked in low paying jobs as a teenager.   I know what a $233 paycheck every two weeks looks like.  I got tired of it and decided to move on.  I realized my way of life, lifestyle, self worth, and bank account will not be limited by my small paycheck.  I'm taking my value somewhere else.  

   I never gave a monetary tip to anyone.   I don't pay salaries to anyone that I don't directly employ.  "But the government takes out so much for taxes from my check.  I need those tips just to break even."   As we now know, the government heavily tax people who can't afford to be heavily taxed.  The government helps the rich stay rich and keep the poor stressed, burdened, hungry and disadvantaged. 

    Since the very wealthy in this country have a strong voice, political and economical power, more money is pulled from the poor as a result.  The government discovered that service people were receiving unclaimed money called tips.  So the government decided to tap that resource.  If you make $20,000 from your employer, the government will assume you make an additional $12,000 in tips.  So you are taxed on actual and assumed money.  The government has gotten away with robbery.  Why?  Because you let them.  When income taxes were created in this country in the 1940's, the millionaires were to be the most heavily taxed because they accumulated the most income.  But the millionaires made an uproar.  The millionaires refused to give up so much of their fortunes to their country.  So the government had to find another resource.   Don't whine and complain, make an uproar.

LESSONS LEARNED:

  *Don't judge me, debate me. 

  *Don't dislike  me for what I say, educate me by what you say. 

  *You are only as weak and invaluable as you think you are.

Black men and White women

  In a general sense, black women has come to dislike or hate the relationships between black men and white women.  I must admit, I used to belong to this club of separatists.    

     I've talked to many men and women  on this subject.  The common agreement among men is the question, "Why do you care who I date?  She's not related to you."   The common question from women is, "Why has he abandoned his black race?"

      I was among those women who would snarl and spit at a black male and white female couple.  It represented to me and many other black women that his dating choice meant that white women were more desirable, attractive, and valuable  than with the black woman who looks more like his mother.   "Why is he denying his black race?"   For me as a teenager, I began to feel ugly because black males would flaunt their white women as treasures with public affection and praise while barely noticing that I and other black girls entered the room.  "Gee, why don't my black man desire or brag about me like that?"

       I believe the true insult to injury is  the overall physical beauty of the white women of choice.  It seems to be the most desired white woman is a plain jane.  She's usually short, fat, has unkempt long hair, no makeup, hasn't any intellectual comments to add to the conversation, is socially inept, has a minimum wage job (if one at all), and no financial assets.  But, black men seem to drool over these women.  Black women ask, "Why?"  "She has nothing.  I have  more to add to a relationship than she does and you want her instead?  I wouldn't be mad if she was pretty and sound as if she had a bit of intelligence."

       The black men that I've talked to have admitted to having the white woman sexual fantasy since childhood.  Many black men say they can't help who they fall in love with.  "Why should I limit my love life to one kind of woman?"   Black men have told me that they preferred a submissive and compliant white woman to an aggressive and controlling black woman.  Some black men have told me that only white women would date them because black women have too long of a laundry list of requirements for him to follow.  "Black women want status, position, power, and bling.  I can't afford that.  The white women only want affection.  White women don't put me to the marriage test when I walk up to her to say Hi."   I was told by an older black woman, that the problem with young black women is that they are too brand loyal and that includes the men they date.  Start dating out side your race or at least outside of your neighborhood, these dating problems would go away.

      I'm about to turn 39 years old in a couple weeks and I've happened upon some wisdom.  Why do I care about who he's dating?   

      I now realize this isn't a black and white issue.  It's a choice issue.  The point is, he didn't choose me.  I can't make him want me nor would I want to convince him to want me.  I don't want a man in my life that I had to convince to be my mate.  Later on, he'll resent it and so will I.  I want a man who wants me for me and what I can bring to a long successful relationship.   I don't want to be someone's last choice because all the other women turned him down and he was very desperate.  I don't want a man who is willing to "put up with me."  I want a man who saw me and became infatuated.  His interest in me drove him to pursue me and his desire for me grew asour relationship grew.   I want a man who doesn't settle in his relationship.  His self esteem is so high that the pain of rejection would last only minutes and not fold its self into an old duffel bag on his back wearing him down.

      Somewhere in this world, there is a man who would choose me.  I figure I'm waiting for him to come to this country, come out of his house, come out of jail, come out of his current relationship, or come to his senses.  Over my dating career, I can say black men have chosen me.  I'm still waiting for that guy who will choose me for life instead of choosing me for right now.

      It is too stressful to worry about who everyone is dating and marrying.  I now only stress over my own dating life.  I've heard many complaints from the black community about the black man and white woman relationship.         "But if black men and white women continue to have babies, the black race  will be wiped out. Our black ancestry will be gone."                                       If this is such a concern, you need to pick up the pace and have more black babies.  "I can't repopulate the black community by myself", some would say.  I have come to wonder, How many black families truly keep the black history alive in their own family tree?  How many generations have you orally taught your children about?  Do your kids know about grandma and granddad's parents?  Do you?  Is black history only talked about in your house every  February?

     Don't worry about what he might be doing with her.  Concentrate on your own household.  His choice in her doesn't reflect upon you at all.  IF HE'S NOT LIMITING HIMSELF, WHY ARE YOU?

LESSONS LEARNED:

         

• Beauty isn't only shown in his eyes.  Look in the mirror.  You'll see it too.
• Don't pass judgment, pass wisdom.
• I don't need your permission to be pretty
• Who he dates isn't tied to my happiness and life fulfillment

Who runs the household without me?

   I don't like the impression many people have about men being the only and true head of the household.  Many people live by the rule of man being above woman, women above children, earth on the bottom of us all, and god above us all.  I don't like this pyramid of thought.  This is a very human way of life that I disagree with.  In my opinion, this way of thinking get women raped with regularity, children abused and abandoned, and the planet earth destroyed.  

       "But the bible says that's how it works."  I disagree with this interpretation.  Men are the male head of household and women are the female head of household.  Life for me as a female doesn't fall apart because there's no male head of household in my house.  I go to work, bring home money, food, clothing and provide myself shelter without a man.  Am I less of a person because of it?  Am I to be considered incomplete?  What about single fathers who provide for his family without an adult female in the home?  Is he to be considered incompetent when it comes to cleaning, cooking and caring for his kids?  Are we to pity him?

      Men don't rule over women.  Men are not greater, smarter, or more important than women.  Women are not around to only supplement men.  Men are not around to guide,  control, and protect women.   When men and women come together as a single unit, it is the job of both the male and female to provide, protect, and educate that family unit.  The male took on certain duties of the household that are better suited for him to accomplish the goal of raising his family.  Thus the female has done the same thing.   Many women chose to stay home to cook, clean, and raise the kids without a babysitter.  Many men chose to work outside of the home for long hours to bring home the amount of money that affords the lifestyle of his family unit.  This practice now has become tradition.

      Many people seemed to have forgotten that tradition, just as the Bible was man made.  "No, the bible is the word of God."   The Bible was hand-written by many monks long ago.   It was reported to be written one century after the events occurred through oral history.   Whatever it  is that you believe to be true, realize this: what is  made by man can be changed by man.  Just because we've followed certain traditions over the generations doesn't make it right.  It makes it a habit.

     I believe we as a nation need to reevaluate our traditions.  When it comes to degrading men for appreciating cooking and cleaning, ridiculing a woman for being single with no kids and two jobs, and threatening gay  couples raising children next door to you, our centuries old traditions need an overhaul.  

    I admit that I don't follow many of the old traditions,  but I'd like to start new ones.   When I get married, I'd love for my new husband to take on my last name as his own.    I will take care of and  provide all financial stability for my household.   The best part of all, my man will do all the cooking.

How to treat a woman and how to treat a man?

How to treat a woman:

   Wine her.
   Dine her.
   Call her.
   Hold her.
   Surprise her.
   Compliment her.
   Smile at her.
   Listen to her.
   Laugh with her.
   Cry with her.
   Romance her.
   Encourage her.
   Believe in her.
   Pray with her.
   Pray for her.
   Cuddle with her.
   Shop with her.
   Give her jewelry.
   Buy her flowers.
   Hold her hand.
   Write love letters to her.
   Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.

  

   How To Treat a Man:

     Show up naked.
     Bring chicken wings.
     Don't block the TV.

     
      
(borrowed from unknown source on the net)

How much for the pussy in the window?

"One uterus costs at least one million dollars.  Sperm is a dime a dozen."        If that's really true, then why are women giving it away for free?

        Many women complain about noncommittal men.  Women have resulted in name calling and men bashing because men haven't followed the female script.  Women tend to want a good time during the marriage and men tend to want a good time before the marriage.   I've heard many sista's scream, "That bastard ain't no good!"  I've been asked how do I put up with the "no good bastards" in my life?  My response is the same.  I don't date "no good bastards".  I date the good "brothas".   I've never dated a man that I'd consider a low life.  To me, that is too much negative energy to start a relationship with.  Women will date a man for frivolous reasons and expect him to give more than he's getting.  I've met and currently know  plenty of women who've dated men because they have pretty eyes, wavy hair, nice muscular body, expensive possessions, and many other  materialistic reasons.  But when he in turn treats her with a shallow attitude, she creates war.  "How dare that bastard go out to the club without me!  I'll get revenge by hanging around his best friend who has a crush on me."

      I don't like it when women complain that the guy won't call her back after she had sex with him.  She doesn't seem to realize he might not have called her back anyway if she didn't have sex with him.  Why give away your dignity and pride in hopes that he will stick around?   I was raised by my father with my 3 older brothers and they all say the same thing.  If a guy really wants a women, nothing will stop him from going after her.   He won't require sex from her but he will really desire sex from her.   There's the difference women can't comprehend. 

      "If we have sex, that means he wants to have a long lasting relationship with me, right?"  Women are mislead by the messages sent by men.   But in turn, women play the same bait and switch game.   We have become a microwave society.  We want everything right now.  We'll meet a nice person today and want to walk down the aisle tomorrow.   Women will have sex with a guy hours after meeting him, hoping he understands what that means.  Guess what ladies?  The fellas don't know what you mean.  He thinks you dig him, he digs you, let's have fun tonight.  He has no thought about tomorrow without further discussion.  She has already picked out her bridesmaids dresses as soon as the lights go out for the night.

      Ladies please stop giving away what you can't afford to lose.  We can't afford to assume what he wants and what he is willing to give.   If he doesn't want you longer than one night, don't trick him into a relationship with the promise of imaginative, unusual, and constant sex.   Don't settle for a playa if you don't want one.  "But, I'll be lonely without a man" is the female cry.   Trust me, if that's the only reason why you are in your current relationship, he'll regret being with you and try any way to get out of it.  You'll resent each other and begin to spite each other because that'll be the only satisfaction you get out of the relationship.

      I'm currently single and have been celibate since my last relationship.    I've been called a "cock blocker" many times before because I don't advocate having sex outside a committed relationship.  I pose the same question to many people.  Wouldn't you want to have fantastic, spontaneous, freaky, enjoyable sex with one person any day, every day or good sex once or twice a year with people you most likely aren't going to see again?   

      "But she won't have freaky sex with me like a stranger will" is usually his complaint.  But, that's not really true.  Women will do the craziest things for men.  If she is willing to do outrageous, insane things that a man thinks only will happen on a one night stand, what do you think she will do if she really knew what pleased you?   Some women do feel more comfortable experimenting with a stranger in preparation for her committed relationship because the fear of seeing that stranger again is lowered.   Other women do it to convince that man he should stick around for more.  Women need to feel free to express herself in her relationship.  The greater the security she feels, the better the chances her freak will come out.  If she feels you may stray, her security goes down the drain with her dignity.  If she feels bad about herself, you ain't getting none.

How's your relationship working out?                   

Am I worthy of love?

    I have talked to many women over the years and we've discussed the subject of depression.  The subject of depression is more prevalent in the news, talk shows and common group discussions.

    My depression usually forms from self hatred because of a recent failure of a task or goal.  But the women I've talked to, especially those women related to me, explains that their depression formed from a feeling of not being worthy of anything better than their current situation. 

    I pondered the question of "How do you convince someone that they are worthy of more?"  I couldn't come up with an answer other than remembering the comment made by a black Princeton professor.   This professor was in a round table discussion about the state of black youth.  The question put forth to this professor was, "How do we show black youth that they are worthy of more in life other than being a drug dealer, rapper or basketball player?"  His answer was, "The way we show the young is by example."

How would you convince people they are worth the love, respect, money, shelter, support and happiness they deserve?

Once an addict, always an addict?

    I don't believe it when someone tells me that they are destined to always be  an addict.   I believe people use addiction as a device of escapism.   To be addicted to something is to do something habitual.  Many people take their addictions into the negative, especially when it becomes abusive.  I have an habit of pushing my glasses up on my nose even when I don't have glasses on my face.  It becomes an addiction when I can't operate in a normal day without doing the addictive thing then my body and mind goes through changes.

       I think people become addicted to things that help them cope with daily life.  There is a feeling or rush that people create within themselves that makes a normal day worth living.  People can become addicted to anything.  Anything that helps them get through the day will be used as the addict's focus.  Examples are shopping, drinking, eating, exercising, stealing, and smoking are the common ones.  Uncommon examples from around the world are eating hair (your own or others), swallowing metal objects, cutting scars in the skin, eating dirt, and pushing small nails in the tips of your toes.   All of the addictive habits do the same thing.  It helps relieve stress, creates an euphoric feeling, creates a calming action, or reduce inhibitions.

      I asked my father, "why do you smoke?"  He said it calmed him down.  That's clearly not true because cigarettes are stimulants.  A stimulant revs you up.  He started smoking for one reason and kept going for another.  He began smoking when he was 15.  He clearly didn't start smoking because of its calming effect.  It makes you look cool and fit into a peer group when you're young.  Now that he's 70, the placebo effect has taken place.  Now that daily stress has been built over the years, his old habit has new meaning.  Why not take a long walk or a long bath, drink hot tea, or read a book to calm down?  Why create a falsehood?  People do what they know.  My father read to get informed.  He took baths to get clean and long walks were with destinations in mind.  Doing those things for a calming affect were unfamiliar to him.  What he knew to do was smoke.  He smoked when he was nervous, excited, relaxed, or full from a good meal.

     Fear has a tight hold on everyone's life in some type of situation.  It's a natural emotion to have and you need it for your survival.   Fear is a protective mechanism when used correctly.  But fear can destroy lives if used incorrectly.    "I'm scared to stop drinking because I don't know how to deal with my family."  "I'm scared to stop smoking because I'll get fat."   "I'm scared of not having sex with everybody because I don't want to be alone."

    The only way to stop one habit is to start another one.  To stop your abusive addiction, understand why you need your addiction.  What is its purpose?  Create a more constructive addiction, one more helpful than hurtful.

My favorite quote is from CHICKEN SOUP FOR THE SOUL.

"If you keep doing what you always did, you'll always get what you've always got."

Geeks Club

  How come we let our society only celebrate and honor the pretty people?   Every high school has a pep squad, cheerleaders, best dressed student, and jocks.   An honorable mention may go to the debating team.  But everywhere you go, there's always a group of individuals who feel like outcasts, loners, and geeks.   Why haven't anyone had the courage to start a geeks club?   Why?  Because no one wants to honor someone not in the norm.  No one wants to celebrate the unattractive.

        Why are we allowing the select few to put value on our own lifestyles?  Why?  Because we are too shy, too scared, and/or have too much fear of rejection to do it for ourselves.   At age 30, I've decided to not leave my lifestyle choices in the hands of the approved few.  I run my life. 

       I learned why I couldn't decide what I should college to go to, what career I should have, what clothes to wear, and what was the proper way to act to get people to like me.  The reason why was that I constantly looked for someone else's approval.  I realized that I never approved of myself.   Now, that's all changed.  I'm not afraid to say I like the quirky things about me.  I not afraid to say what I like and dislike in life.  I now celebrate the crazy part of me.  Of course, many people always and still tell me you shouldn't do that.  You shouldn't say that.  You shouldn't go there.  You shouldn't hang around that person.  You shouldn't work there.  You shouldn't eat that.   

         I now accept the fact that people are not going to like everything that I do or anything that I do.   Trust me, I'm related to a few of those people.  Now, that's not a big deal to me.  I now ask myself, "Do I like it?"   I will only change something about myself because I don't like it, not because my neighbor doesn't like it.    You have no idea how much stress has been lifted from my chest.   The only thing is, I wish I had realized it sooner.

Dr. Phil says, "The only thing worse than suffering for 20 years is suffering for 20 years and one day."      

LESSON LEARNED:

• People are going to find reasons to not like you, no matter what
• If I only improved myself for someone else's approval, that makes me a follower.  If I improve the way the world works, that makes me a leader.